Thursday, February 15, 2007
To my religious brethren and cistern
This post will be a little different from my previous posts, because it was divinely inspired. The Lord appeared unto me as one walking down a great stairway from on high. With him he had a hippy and that little spook who sounds like Peter Lorre from the cereal commercials. He spake unto me and lo verily did I tremble. Sayeth He "I give unto you a holy mission to spread the word unto the blogosphere," and into my head sprang various profundities for me to spread among those religions that have internet access. The message I am obligated to transmit is a personal message for the various faiths. I was told to tell you that each individual is on his or her honor to only read the part that is labeled as being for that persons religion. The message is tailored to the seperate faiths and reading the message intended for another faith would only confuse things. Remember, only read your section. He's watching.
I will start with what is my personally favorite religion, Buddhism.
God wanted me to tell you that you guys are OK in his view. The shaved head thing really looks a lot better on asians than it does on other people. Don't worry about those imbeciles who blow up your statues; the meek (and fecund) really will inherit the earth.
On to the majority religion in my country, Christianity. This catch-all term covers Protestants, Baptists, Lutherans, Pentacostals and other denominations who believe that Revelations is more important than the Beatitudes. The Lord wanted you to know that the Muslims think you are sissies. He says he will waive the Sixth Commandment if you promise to only kill them with conventional weapons (specifically, no nukes). Oh, I almost forgot, his son said abortion isn't murder but capital punishment is (his words, not mine).
For Islam, the saint who communicated with me (PBUH) wanted me to tell you that the Christians called you smelly like feet. Allah (PBUH) hates this as much as you do. Normally murder is abhorent to the eyes of Allah (PBUH), but if you promise to only kill Christians, and no other people, he will give you two extra Ornaments of gold and half a virgin (the good half) for every one you take out.
Catholics, God wants you to know that he realizes that a lot of you are in general less wealthy than some of the other
New Age Emo Wicca Pagans, you are among Godess' favorite creations and she wanted you to know that reincarnation is real. As I was channelling the Yin Spirit I realized that she has a special plan for you. Your people have never caused any trouble so it would be unfair to give the Christians and Moslems special dispensations and not also give a gift to you. I now know that there is special body waiting for us in the next life. It could be a dolphin or an eagle or a majestic horse, but I can't wait to see mine. I bet you can't wait see yours either. Don't you just wish you could end this life now so you could get on with the next one? I sure do.
Jews, sorry he didn't say anything about you guys, and I forgot to ask.
Amish, JWs, quakers etc. God thinks you guys are doing a great job. Most of you are truly living closer to the teachings of Jesus than most of those in the so-called mainstream religions. He only has one complaint. He feels a little insulted that you don't think he could have come up with a solution as elegant and subtle as evolution by natural selection. Sure, he could have done it by the brute force of his omnipotence, but he doesn't need to show off. Give him some credit, sheesh.
Atheists, there are few selection pressures acting upon the human race to continue the process of evolution. Disease is slowly being conquered, and bio-tech is increasing our food supply. The only predators left are the ones we create ourselves and they are statistically insignificant as far as altering gene frequencies. About the only selection pressure left is war, and it doesn't appear to be going away anytime soon. Well, we can continue to send off our best and brightest to die for oil, but that won't help us evolve at all. But if we can get all the people who have the religion gene to kill each other (or themselves) then we would at least grow beyond the need for further wars. So encourage your religious neighbors to go off and die in a foreign land, but don't send your own kids. It may seem distasteful or ethically questionable, but remember the words they use to convince us to give up our freedom and accept corporate theocracy: It's for the children.
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